Funny Mental Insights: 37: Day Off of Death

The prompt today is to write a story with the words "hypocrite," "cookie jar," "city," and "telephone."

This is something new for me: fan fiction. Over the weekend, I came upon a web series called The Adventures of Super7even! It's a fun parody and homage to the old Cold War era spy movies. The shows are short (5-15 minutes each) and really professionally done, with good acting, cool stunts and the occasional joke that would test the censors (or would, if there were any censors anymore).

And now... on with today's story....

Agent Superseven doesn't get many days off, but when he does get one, he likes to spend it in his apartment, enjoying a good book, checking out some catalogs for red tights and black masks. He might have spent these moments reflecting on his childhood, but, as an agent of T.H.E.M., that part of his life was classified, even for him.

When Superseven looked up from his book, he was surprised to see the shapely form of Sandra West standing before him. Miss West was once an agent of T.H.E.M., but was now a free agent.

"Hi, Red," she said, placing one of her high heels on his leotard-clad knee. "Don't you ever take off the costume?"

Superseven slowly looked up Sandra's leg, then her body, and finally found her eyes. She wore a skirt slit up nearly to her hip and a frilly blouse unbuttoned almost too low. "That would be... unwise," he said.

Sandra took a minute to look Superseven up and down as well. "Pity," she said.

"To what do I owe the pleasure of your visit, Miss West?" he asked.

"Offer a lady a drink?" she asked, taking her foot off her knee. "I've heard you make the best Banana Daiquiris in the city."

The spy in red stood up and walked over to the bar.

"Blended," Sandra said, "not crushed."

The super spy bent down to retrieve the bananas. When he rose again, Sandra had a gun pointed at his chest.

"Où sont les fichiers?" ["Where are the files?"] she asked.

"Какие файлы?" ["Which files?"] he responded.

"The plans for destroying T.H.E.Y. (an organization for evil), of course," ["Plany zniszczenia T.H.E.Y. (organizacja zła), oczywiście."] she said.

" Zeey're-a in zee cuukeee-a jer. Hurty flurty schnipp schnipp!" ["They're in the cookie jar. Hurty flurty schnipp schnipp!"] he responded.

"I suspected as much," Sandra said. "Now prepare to die."

Just then, the telephone rang, which was odd because Superseven didn't have a telephone.

Sandra looked left and right for the phone.

Two quick "fwitt"s from a silenced gun.

Sandra's eyes grew wide, then rolled back. She fell to the floor on her face.

Behind her stood... Sandra West.

"You were late for our date," Sandra (the live one) said. "Who was that?"

"I was busy," Superseven said. "U came by."

"Me?" asked Sandra (again, the live one).

"No, U," 7even said. "T.H.E.Y.'s mistress of disguise."

The live Sandra turned the dead Sandra onto her back. "Well what do you know?" she said, "U looked like me!"

Superseven said, "In fact, I think she's a..." He put on a pair of sunglasses. "... a dead ringer!"

"YEEEEEAAAAHHHH!"

"What was that?" 7even asked.

"Sorry," Sandra said. "These heels are killing me."

"Well," El Espía Rojo said, "we'd better get this cleaned up."

He took a card off the bar and pressed the call button on his utility glove. "Dead Spy Removal Service? I have a pickup for you. Oh, and I've got enough punches so that this one is free."

(Written with the permission and cooperation of T.H.E.M.)

Super7even will return...

(I just realized I left off using the word 'hypocrite' until now...)